My heart might actually burst...

Sitting in the back seat of my car with my sleeping baby on our way back from grandmas house. The weekend was full of lots of squeals and giggles. As I look back I smile knowing that she is loved so very very much and all of these moments she will never remember, but they are the building blocks of her character and the future little adult she will grow to become.

She is so easy going. Even when I'm about to jump out of my skin in fear that something is going to upset her or wake her from a much needed nap, she prevails. I'm in awe of the little well rounded, grounded, almost mature little thing that she is. She's still very much a baby and let's us know when she's had enough, but trouble she is not. She's not unnecessarily fussy. Not cry-y. She is curious, with a giggle about to break from the corners of every smile.

It never occurs to me how well things really are going until someone points it out. Today, before leaving town, we were having lunch at an exceptionally loud restaurant. That sent me into an anxiety spiral, worrying that it was too much stimulation for her. Then as I sit playing with her my SIL boyfriend says, "it's crazy how she never really cries." And that's when it hit me! Of course she never really cries! She's attached! She has everything she needs. We listen to her. She's perfect!

I'm definitely far from perfect and have a lot of work to do so that she never gets put in a situation where she thinks that she has to "save mommy." I have read a lot of books and seen a lot of movies based around that premise exactly. I'm not trying to redefine bipolar. Just manage it. Hell! Maybe I am trying to redefine it! Show the world that we too can raise stable well rounded bambinos!

Happy V-Day!

The romanticism does not flow from my body much, if at all!  So today I will bite the bullet, push through, tough it out, peel away the layers, bring down the wall... You get the idea.  It's not that I don't enjoy the romantic stuff, I do, maybe it's the build up?  Fear of rejection?  Who knows-  I realize I'm always looking for a clinical diagnosis for all of my issues.  The best part about today will be seeing the acceptance and gratitude in my husbands face when I slough off my rough exterior and

R    E    L    A   X

Dinner and candles :-)  I hope that's not too ambitious for my overworked manic brain.  Speaking of manic- the last several days have actually been quite peaceful.  Baby had her 6 month checkup on Friday and the good Dr gave me some lovely supplements to help regulate my hormones.  I think they're working!  

Now to get my little monster to stay asleep longer than 40 minutes-

0-60

And the tears are streaming down my face...  I just finished typing an email that was a big loud wake up call-

 Subject: Regrets

Hi Bill-

I feel like I need to let you know what's going on in my life right now.  I'm sure it has been evident, but I have been struggling with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.  I have not wanted to accept this reality.  I feel like I have been letting a lot of people down lately...  But I am just not able to commit to much of anything.  It is extremely hard for me to admit that this is what has been preventing me from being an active participant on the board, as I still want to be involved.  I am terribly sorry if I have inconvenienced any of you during this time.  I am currently seeking treatment with hopes of getting better soon.  I want to try to conference in to tonight's meeting and remain abreast of everything happening.  But as far as my participation level is concerned, I may not be able to do much.  Again, I am very sorry for any inconvenience.  

My reality-  I have sent out the first email in search of a counselor that is familiar with Bipolar 2 and Postpartum.  I have been out of individual counseling for too long and the time has come for me to get back in.  I have my schedules, and lists, and I play with my baby all day every day, but it just isn't enough at this very moment where I sit right now.

THIS SUCKS

I am all over the place- 0-60  Our marriage counselor has suggested that I create a scale that I can use to monitor my moods.  One that would be a visual for Travis to read and for me to use to "check in."  The crappy thing about it though is that I am cycling my moods throughout my day right now and not so much from day to day.  I wake up great (or not so great), within an hour I am having anxiety or depression or mania, and then an hour later it has switched yet again!

I REFUSE TO LET THIS AFFECT MY DAUGHTER

So, now I move on with the rest of my day.  She will be up from her nap at any minute and needs her Momma to be present and well.