0-60

And the tears are streaming down my face...  I just finished typing an email that was a big loud wake up call-

 Subject: Regrets

Hi Bill-

I feel like I need to let you know what's going on in my life right now.  I'm sure it has been evident, but I have been struggling with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.  I have not wanted to accept this reality.  I feel like I have been letting a lot of people down lately...  But I am just not able to commit to much of anything.  It is extremely hard for me to admit that this is what has been preventing me from being an active participant on the board, as I still want to be involved.  I am terribly sorry if I have inconvenienced any of you during this time.  I am currently seeking treatment with hopes of getting better soon.  I want to try to conference in to tonight's meeting and remain abreast of everything happening.  But as far as my participation level is concerned, I may not be able to do much.  Again, I am very sorry for any inconvenience.  

My reality-  I have sent out the first email in search of a counselor that is familiar with Bipolar 2 and Postpartum.  I have been out of individual counseling for too long and the time has come for me to get back in.  I have my schedules, and lists, and I play with my baby all day every day, but it just isn't enough at this very moment where I sit right now.

THIS SUCKS

I am all over the place- 0-60  Our marriage counselor has suggested that I create a scale that I can use to monitor my moods.  One that would be a visual for Travis to read and for me to use to "check in."  The crappy thing about it though is that I am cycling my moods throughout my day right now and not so much from day to day.  I wake up great (or not so great), within an hour I am having anxiety or depression or mania, and then an hour later it has switched yet again!

I REFUSE TO LET THIS AFFECT MY DAUGHTER

So, now I move on with the rest of my day.  She will be up from her nap at any minute and needs her Momma to be present and well.