Don't Shake the Baby!

Last night was R-O-U-G-H...  I should have been more at peace.  I feel guilty for a lot of the tension and emotions I had last night, but today is a new day.  My poor poor baby-  No I did not shake the baby!  But the thought entered my mind ;-)  She did not sleep last night.  It was strange.  She was really tired and would fall asleep on me, and then as soon as I would put her down she would ZING awake!  I guess I shouldn't have given her that last shot of espresso?  As I write that my mind flashes to Baby Roane, scarf around her neck, chilling with Mommie on a patio with Espresso in hand.  Maybe I should have just held her?  Maybe I made the mistake of laying down with her?  Maybe I didn't get her down soon enough?  Where is the answer?!  Why did God give us this big book of instructions (i.e. the Bible) and leave out the How-To Manual for Activities of Daily Living with Child?  I keep rehashing the events of last night trying to figure out where I went wrong.  I don't know the answer.  But it ultimately set me up for a night full of unsettled rest.  She wasn't too cranky or whiny- just awake!  Could she be manic?!  It doesn't normally present this early.... But I am already freaking out about the possibility.

I want to hug and squeeze her today.  She deserves much better than my behavior last night.  I have to figure out a system for myself for the next time we start going down this road.  This was the first real sleepless night and I assume it won't be the last.  I read this really awesome blog post yesterday that left me feeling inspired.  But for some reason I felt totally alone last night as I laid in bed with her :-(  Of course, my husband slept through the whole thing.  All of it!

This is the part of my bipolar that really gets me down.  The ruminations.  (That was a fun word to learn.)  I can't stop thinking about last night... Wondering if she is aware that I was totally and completely done with her?  I just wanted her to sleep-  I was actually upset with her!  Frustrated.  Angry.  I was being so selfish.  She stayed happy and smiling through the majority of the night.  So why couldn't I roll with it?

Routine, routine, routine....

I was a complete EFFING mess over the weekend!  One thing I know to be a solid and important fact is that I require a pretty rigid routine, and anything other than that wreaks havoc on my mental state and the emotional welfare of those around me!

I haven't figured out how to have a weekend with my husband without going full-blown crazy.  Roane and I do really well during the week with our schedules.  Her naps are pretty consistent, she stays fairly happy, and I get shit done :-)  And then the weekend hits.  Daddy's home!!!  He wants to be supportive and helpful, but it always turns into a constant nitpicking battle of, "I'm always right, and you're always wrong!"  I don't mean to, but it happens.

I am day two into a "schedule" and it seems to be working pretty well.  I don't have that "stomach in my throat" feeling and I'm thinking I can tolerate my husband's presence a little better than usual.  After all, that is my ultimate goal.  Maybe I am so consumed with insuring that my daughter gets raised in a more loving and safe environment than I was is actually adding the stress to the relationship more than I realize.  Poor kid!  I just hope she fairs well- being raised by a crazy bipolar mother and all!

I have a huge part of me that wants to be an asset to society- but right now beginning the puzzle, that is known as my home, is my focus... Now if I can just find all of the corners and side pieces ;-)

What?!

Warning: This post is not directed toward any one person- Just a generalization... Sort of-

You need to get her on a schedule...
You need to show her who is in charge...
You need to not hold her so much...
She needs to know she is okay without you...
She needs to sleep through the night...
YOU need to STFU!

Yes I just laid down next to my strange little thing to help her fall back asleep.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING, has been normal lately.  I have started to doubt myself and the routines, or lack there of, that we have been implementing.  Just when things are going well she throws me for a loop and I start thinking I must be doing something wrong-  And all of the ^ people are right.  But then a day like today happens...  She must be going through a growth spurt or SOMETHING.  She's eating a lot and is very tired- Overtired in fact, to the point of delirium.  Those little red eyebrows tell a story.  So instead of questioning my competence as a parent, I am going to continue to listen to that little voice in the back of my lizard brain- AKA instinct ;-)  Hell, it may be my ego, but it feels so right.

And besides my biggest issue right now isn't her odd behavior-  She's happy & healthy and that is all that matters.  My biggest problem is AMMONIA in my diapers.  So as I scour the internet for the "end all" ammonia diaper treatment, and pout over a busted washing machine pump, I can't help but think this is exactly what I should be doing.  Responding to her needs and keeping her damn diapers clean!

How this will all affect my mental health?  I am not entirely sure.  I'm tired, slightly anxious, but hanging in there.

I'm Addicted

Because this is what I really want to write about...  I'm pretty sure if I were to tell a counselor, ANY counselor- financial counselor, career counselor, Madam V on the psychic hotline- about my attractions and feelings that I have for my baby they would very certainly let me know that I am an addict.  Probably in an unhealthy, 'you need to go to a methadone clinic,' kind of unhealthy.  I constantly find myself wondering how people manage having more than one kid... How people find enough love in their hearts to love ANYONE else :-)  My poor husband-

Current struggles include: balancing what I believe to be PPPD (post postpartum depression), loving my dogs, getting the laundry done (completely done), having any kind of adult conversation without thinking about my baby, I'm not even going to mention the long list with my relationship, and sleep.  Ahhhh sleep-

I've never really slept soundly without the aid of some form of natural supplement.  And now that I am EBF (exclusively breastfeeding) I can't ingest many things that I would have easily taken before.  I almost think that it's the BF'ing that has led to my addiction.  Who knows.  My baby is freaking awesome and that's all I care about!

In all seriousness though, this shit's hard!  Hopefully some day soon I will have a system in place that will make managing it all much easier.  I'm looking forward to the day where my anxiety level is reduced to anything under a 5 on a scale of 1-10.  But until then, I will 'attachment parent' the hell outta this kid!