We Were the Jones'

So much has been happening- I've been a little elevated... Husband has been home most of the days, which equates to not much work and a very sad bank account.  Baby has been trying tirelessly to crawl.  I'm pretty sure she's even been doing it in her sleep with all of the tossing and turning that's been going on, sleep giggles and whimpers and all!  And our very temperamental Boston Terrier has taken to defecating on the ONLY white rug in the house consistently.  Not ONLY, but definitely my favorite.  He's a very strange one...

Ok so maybe we weren't the Jones'.  But when times were good and my cash flow was GREAT we always had the new and better.  Not necessarily best, but definitely better.  Okay maybe we did have a few of the best's.  The new phones, electronics, oh my goodness and our closets!  I miss how our closets were.  We had fresh tags hanging off of our clothes often.  But that's not the case now.

He has a different job entirely, I've chosen the stay at home route, and I have made the decision to aspire to the minimal life.  Whatever that may be.  That's hard to do for an ex-shopoholic (manic bipolar episodes are probably a more accurate description).  I still want the designer labels and new gadgets and I find myself getting depressed when I think about how I can't just go out and buy them like I used to-  And then I get frustrated for getting depressed!  How stupid is that?!  I want to go against the new American Lifestyle of gotta have it now, and raise my daughter to appreciate all of the little things around her, so that when she can get the good stuff she'll have THAT MUCH MORE appreciation for them.

I struggle probably mostly with her- Toys and clothes for her are my big one right now.  Toys not so much I guess, I love the little things that I have made for her to play with.  But when I buy her toys I want them to be Euro-friendly.  Non-toxic.  NOT MADE IN CHINA.  Rubber not plastic.... And the list goes on... And for her wardrobe.  I hate having her dressed in Carter's in public. How pathetic is that?!  Mainly because she's not just another baby dressed in a monkey suit.  She's effing AWESOME and her wardrobe should show that.  I know it's dumb to buy designer baby clothes because of how fast they grow.  But damnit, I have definitely tried, and I think I have been quite successful at it :-)

As for my mental health these days-  As usual having Hubster home is hard for me.  I work better solo.  But I guess we're managing.  I have been cycling pretty much hourly and have given up altogether on mood charting for the past couple of days.  I think it's safe to say that I'm a glass half-empty kinda gal today- Tank on E. But my mind is running away leaving my body behind.

Micromanaging I.P.-

I'm slowly chipping away at all of the little redundancies that I think will help me to better manage my Bipolar-

• Routine... Check
• Mood Charting... Check
• Food Diary... in progress

I just feel like if I am able to chart and log every aspect of my life I may be able to determine some correlations and then eliminate anything that causes the high's and low's.

I can feel the caffeine pumping through my veins right now and I am pretty sure that is one of the things I will have to work toward eliminating-  I type this with a clenched jaw and a vision of me with a cold grip around my coffee mug!  I have cut back!  I have!  I HAVE!  My coffee almost looks like tea!  At least I can still feel it working...  It's what gets me started in the morning.  And when you have a little 7 month old whose new voice is a full on high pitched SCREAM... You NEED the kick-start!  I guess I could take the advice of my 15-year old sister and take a bite out of an apple...

Gluten will definitely have to be completely eliminated... I already knew that.  I don't eat much of it anyhow since having my little bambino.  And I also know sugar is my other nemesis.  DAMN YOU girl scouts hanging around outside my grocery store!  I am pretty sure they are all gone until next year though.  Phew!  No more ducking for cover inside the market!

Have you ever really put any thought into how those little girls feel when they see people running from them? I wonder if they develop a complex from it?  GS: "Would you like to buy some cookies?"  Sugarholic running inside the store with a look of terror on their face: "Nooooooooooooo!"  Poor kids-  They need a debriefing after each cookie selling season.   

I digress-  I will soon be making all of our carb loaded snacks from scratch-  My theory is that if I can control the ingredients, then I may be able to control their reaction in my body.  We'll see how it goes!

Mood Level: Elevated
Anxiety Level: On the rise
Energy Level: Gggrrreeaatt!

I love having her toys as my table decor! :-)

Two posts in one day~

Standing in-line at the grocery store today a homeless man reaches out and touches my daughter's hand. Normally I would freak out because of all the germs that are out there, but then I started to think

maybe this is the most warmth he has felt in a long time. And I can easily swab her hand with the baby wipe that's anti-bacterial. And why is he homeless in the first place?  Is he one of the many people that have fallen victim to mental illness? Is he unemployable because he freaked out on his last boss during one of his schizophrenic episodes? How do I know... and I really don't know- 

So I swallowed the big lump in my throat from the panic that I felt whenever he touched her hand, took her out to my car washed her hand and smiled knowing that maybe she brightened his day.  It was definitely the least I could do-

Staycation-

Since my husband has been home for most of the last month I have sort of been all over the radar.  I feel mostly even keel- but I bet he would beg to differ.  Again, I need to be logging my moods!  UGH!  It just seems like too big of a task to face my feelings throughout the day.  My house is sort of covered in incomplete projects, but I see an end in sight for all of them.  I have been pretty good about setting realistic expectations for myself.  Part of that has included ignoring the outside world.

On an interesting note, Travis has spent his time off diving into child-rearing books ;-)  I guess baby happened and then he realized, "oh wait, maybe I should learn a little about this squirmy thing!"  I'm glad that he is finally taking an initiative.  He did read the Attachment parenting book that I threw at him early on when I decided that we were going to be an "attached family" no matter how difficult it seemed.  And we have succeeded so far; baby-wearing, co-sleeping, exclusive breast-feeding and all the ooey gooey stuff in between.

Anyhow, his most recent read has been supporting my instincts as a Mommy which is quite great!  He even came across some info about how you can possibly prevent mental illnesses such as Bipolar with the right amount of nurture!  Imagine that!  Loving your child and holding them and caring for them can actually make their brain function at it's full capacity.  Without any mishaps- mood swings- hi's and low's.

I feel like I have been trying to do everything I can to set her up for a stable adult life.  I don't want her to have the pitfalls that I have had that are a direct result of my illness.  I want to protect her from the shame and confusion that come along with mental illness.  Even if we as a society make the efforts to educate others about these illnesses, the self-destructive shame still exists.  I have paid careful attention to brain specific nutrients and supplements, avoided chemicals thought to be toxic and neurologically damaging, and had a full on breakdown when I realized that my most recent cavity was filled with a metal rather than the ceramic that is recommended for people with mental illness.

But I am optimistic now!  I have hope that she will be "stable."  She does have one CRaZY Momma, but she may prevail nonetheless.