I know it's been a while

But I've been trying to wrap my head around what I would like to say.  I keep thinking about my overall role as Mommy.  Parenthood.  BiPolar.  Just trying to get a grip on my life.  And honestly realizing that I am coming out from underneath the haze of everything that the first year brought to me.

We celebrated her 1 year birthday almost an entire month ago.  Ever since her party I have noticed that I am veiwing the world around me as if for the first time.  I know that I had/have post partum anxietyish symptoms.  I have been very honest with myself, and my family, about how I have been feeling.  I don't think I missed out on any of the wonderful memories that we have made this past year.  But for some reason I feel like I am starting to breathe again for the first time.

Maybe it's simply that I am finally adjusting to my new way of life.  *With Baby* or Child, or whatever.  It's just funny to me that yesterday I was thinking about all of the cliche things that you hear when you are pregnant for the first time and how it will change your life.  And then last night on my twitter feed I read a post from the Today Show about that very topic.  I wish someone would have told me that those little cliche's weren't cliche's at all!  They were fact.  But I think people feel the need to say them with a slight giggle to avoid their own uncomfortable realization of said fact.  CHILDREN CHANGE EVERYTHING

Not even in a negative way.  But let's take a minute to add BiPolar to the equation.  Now I firmly believe that every insurance company, public assistance program, family, dinosaur, you name it- should provide a doula/mommy assistant to every person post birth from birth to, oh say... 12 months.  Being a new mommy is hard work.  Doing it with everyone looking at you like you are crazy because you don't want to leave your baby's side is worse.

I know that I might be imagining some of the confused expressions when I talk about our Attachment Parenting lifestyle, but some are very real.  And some aren't confused at all.  Some are simply unspoken insults and expressions of, "oh my god, I thought you were normal, but clearly you are insane!"  In the past I used to spring into conversations within the first few minutes, "I'm BiPolar!"  Now it's "we cloth diaper & cosleep!"

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, wow!  No one could have ever prepared me for this.  But I wouldn't change a thing.

Broken Bank

Living paycheck to paycheck really sucks but somehow I'm still managing to make sure we have organic groceries going into our little tummy's because overall the food that we put in our bodies is the most important thing for making sure that we stay healthy. When you're poor you can't afford to be sick.  Especially since the doctor's that we go to we have to pay out of pocket for because the company refuses to cover alternative medicine.  Chiropractor.  Alternative medicine.

Sometimes I find myself getting really sad about the things that I want to buy baby but I can't.  I have to realize that she will never know because this is the time of her life that she's just enjoying every little thing around her and it doesn't matter if she's got on her new designer shoes today.  I hate my spoiled thinking brain!

And like rubbing salt in our wounds the news reported about how important it is to have a savings account for emergency expenses.  I screamed at the TV when I saw this because it's people like us, people like Travis and I, who are barely making it work.  We don't even have the extra $20 a week to put into savings!  I've tried that, and every single week when it's automatically deposited into my savings I have to pull it back over into my checking account just to cover our expenses. And that's just $20, the news recommends $50 a week!  Stupid news!

We're eating rice and beans for crying out loud!  Screw cutting out that $4 latte!

Na na na na life goes on...

Mood today: Looking up
Energy level: So so...

FFFFFFFFFFF Student loans!

Undone....

Diapers need stuffed, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, the floors need to be swept and mopped.  The dogs are barking, the baby might wake up soon...  But I decided I need to sit here and take a moment to reflect on how freaking lucky I am.

I will be 30 this week.  The big 3-0.  I have lived many places.  I have seen far too many things.  I have said many more things that I wish I could have erased.  But I have lived.  I am healthy.  My baby is healthy.  I struggle.  I never know what each day will bring.  If I will be able to muster the energy to make it from my morning cup of coffee to the last bite of my dinner in the evening.

I love my life.  Sometimes I find myself green with envy of friends and colleagues.  But then I look in the mirror and I can proudly say that I am HAPPY and I LOVE who I am.  Even though I have made many sacrifices over the last year, I have never gone without anything that I have needed.  I have just learned that I need a lot less than what I used to have.

I miss my sisters.  My mood is -----  Not really high, not low, just ----  I miss my sister.

Fingerprints...

The first week of every month (give or take a few days) is window and mirror cleaning week.  Today after shining our over-sized mirror in the living room I took a step back to admire my work and felt a sudden pang of sadness.

I read something earlier today about holding your child's hand as long as possible, or as much as possible, so that they know you're there for them.  I got teary eyed as the author described perfectly the sensations that you feel with that first finger squeeze.  And how as your baby grows their little hands become more under their control, and less instinctual reflexes.  So I made a point to notice how often we hold hands today.  I am happy to say that we touch a lot.  A perk of attachment parenting.

Where am I going with all of this....  Well this past week has been full of emotions for my little family.  My husband and I have had to make a lot of very difficult decisions and I have shed many tears.  I am sure I still have many more to shed too-  In addition to all of the chaos we have been experiencing Baby has continued to grow and develop and learn.  She hit some milestones this week that offered brief escapes for me from my personal dramas.  They were almost right on cue too-  I would be dealing with something exceptionally tough and then BAM- "Holy cow look at what she can do!"

So as I hold on to the normalcy's of our organized life I paused while cleaning.  I realized that I get to see all of those little growing fingerprints all month long, and then at the start of the next month the slate is wiped clean.  A fresh palate for her to manipulate however she chooses.  That mirror has held her hand-prints from birth- If only I hadn't wiped them all away.

Today my mood is a little low.  Still trucking, just partly cloudy.

People are Strange...

When you're a stranger... Ahhhh The Doors are stuck in my head right now-

Life has definitely been throwing me a few fast pitches over the last couple of days.  I don't like the idea of curve balls  because I think you can still pretty well see those coming!  My poor baby sister is basically being held hostage as part of an all out family feud.

With the help of some very patient and kind counselors, and DSM-GOOGLE, I have realized that the majority of the personal ticks and issues that I have are a direct result of being raised by a Narcissistic Mother.  And all this time I just assumed she was BiPolar like the rest of us, but it turns out she is not... She has said she has been tested and wasn't, which never made much sense to any of us that were close enough to see her patterns of behavior, until NOW!

Cue: Lightbulb!

My husband, sister, and father have all had this huge Ah-Hah! moment.  So now to add that to my long list of: Please Let Me Avoid These Things While Raising My Daugher-

Top of the list- Check yourself.  Are you a narcissist?  Are you providing R with stability?  Are you well?

I ask my self an entire plethora of self-check questions every day. Part of my daily mood charting routine (which I am not doing religiously) and check in.  My husband has noticed the difference.  I have noticed the difference.  Until this weekend I have been regulated.  My mood has not fluctuated much at all.  I always find myself searching my baby's eyes for signs of me being off... I peer in looking for a sign that she thinks I'm RIDICULOUS.  Luckily she just gives me the same "I love you, you're my mommy" eyes every day all day!

So as part of my therapy I delve into Stability Training.  Interestingly enough, one of the bloggers I occasionally read wrote about stability today!  It is important for children to know what to expect.  It gives them security.  I never had that as a child and I vow to always provide it for my daughter.  Except in those rare instances when I feel like we need to load up the family and Road-trip-It to somewhere bizarre- Like the magical tree-houses that I keep hearing about here in Oregon.  I can't wait until she's old enough to partake in my whimsical moments :-)  Daddy just might get a phone call from Canada!

Today I am well.  I miss my sisters, both of them!  I have resumed my household chores and I am well.  I am well.  Living with a diagnosis of BiPolar you immediately think of yourself as something other than well, but YOU ARE WELL.

Thank you T for reminding me of that!  I <3 you

We Were the Jones'

So much has been happening- I've been a little elevated... Husband has been home most of the days, which equates to not much work and a very sad bank account.  Baby has been trying tirelessly to crawl.  I'm pretty sure she's even been doing it in her sleep with all of the tossing and turning that's been going on, sleep giggles and whimpers and all!  And our very temperamental Boston Terrier has taken to defecating on the ONLY white rug in the house consistently.  Not ONLY, but definitely my favorite.  He's a very strange one...

Ok so maybe we weren't the Jones'.  But when times were good and my cash flow was GREAT we always had the new and better.  Not necessarily best, but definitely better.  Okay maybe we did have a few of the best's.  The new phones, electronics, oh my goodness and our closets!  I miss how our closets were.  We had fresh tags hanging off of our clothes often.  But that's not the case now.

He has a different job entirely, I've chosen the stay at home route, and I have made the decision to aspire to the minimal life.  Whatever that may be.  That's hard to do for an ex-shopoholic (manic bipolar episodes are probably a more accurate description).  I still want the designer labels and new gadgets and I find myself getting depressed when I think about how I can't just go out and buy them like I used to-  And then I get frustrated for getting depressed!  How stupid is that?!  I want to go against the new American Lifestyle of gotta have it now, and raise my daughter to appreciate all of the little things around her, so that when she can get the good stuff she'll have THAT MUCH MORE appreciation for them.

I struggle probably mostly with her- Toys and clothes for her are my big one right now.  Toys not so much I guess, I love the little things that I have made for her to play with.  But when I buy her toys I want them to be Euro-friendly.  Non-toxic.  NOT MADE IN CHINA.  Rubber not plastic.... And the list goes on... And for her wardrobe.  I hate having her dressed in Carter's in public. How pathetic is that?!  Mainly because she's not just another baby dressed in a monkey suit.  She's effing AWESOME and her wardrobe should show that.  I know it's dumb to buy designer baby clothes because of how fast they grow.  But damnit, I have definitely tried, and I think I have been quite successful at it :-)

As for my mental health these days-  As usual having Hubster home is hard for me.  I work better solo.  But I guess we're managing.  I have been cycling pretty much hourly and have given up altogether on mood charting for the past couple of days.  I think it's safe to say that I'm a glass half-empty kinda gal today- Tank on E. But my mind is running away leaving my body behind.

Micromanaging I.P.-

I'm slowly chipping away at all of the little redundancies that I think will help me to better manage my Bipolar-

• Routine... Check
• Mood Charting... Check
• Food Diary... in progress

I just feel like if I am able to chart and log every aspect of my life I may be able to determine some correlations and then eliminate anything that causes the high's and low's.

I can feel the caffeine pumping through my veins right now and I am pretty sure that is one of the things I will have to work toward eliminating-  I type this with a clenched jaw and a vision of me with a cold grip around my coffee mug!  I have cut back!  I have!  I HAVE!  My coffee almost looks like tea!  At least I can still feel it working...  It's what gets me started in the morning.  And when you have a little 7 month old whose new voice is a full on high pitched SCREAM... You NEED the kick-start!  I guess I could take the advice of my 15-year old sister and take a bite out of an apple...

Gluten will definitely have to be completely eliminated... I already knew that.  I don't eat much of it anyhow since having my little bambino.  And I also know sugar is my other nemesis.  DAMN YOU girl scouts hanging around outside my grocery store!  I am pretty sure they are all gone until next year though.  Phew!  No more ducking for cover inside the market!

Have you ever really put any thought into how those little girls feel when they see people running from them? I wonder if they develop a complex from it?  GS: "Would you like to buy some cookies?"  Sugarholic running inside the store with a look of terror on their face: "Nooooooooooooo!"  Poor kids-  They need a debriefing after each cookie selling season.   

I digress-  I will soon be making all of our carb loaded snacks from scratch-  My theory is that if I can control the ingredients, then I may be able to control their reaction in my body.  We'll see how it goes!

Mood Level: Elevated
Anxiety Level: On the rise
Energy Level: Gggrrreeaatt!

I love having her toys as my table decor! :-)

Two posts in one day~

Standing in-line at the grocery store today a homeless man reaches out and touches my daughter's hand. Normally I would freak out because of all the germs that are out there, but then I started to think

maybe this is the most warmth he has felt in a long time. And I can easily swab her hand with the baby wipe that's anti-bacterial. And why is he homeless in the first place?  Is he one of the many people that have fallen victim to mental illness? Is he unemployable because he freaked out on his last boss during one of his schizophrenic episodes? How do I know... and I really don't know- 

So I swallowed the big lump in my throat from the panic that I felt whenever he touched her hand, took her out to my car washed her hand and smiled knowing that maybe she brightened his day.  It was definitely the least I could do-

Staycation-

Since my husband has been home for most of the last month I have sort of been all over the radar.  I feel mostly even keel- but I bet he would beg to differ.  Again, I need to be logging my moods!  UGH!  It just seems like too big of a task to face my feelings throughout the day.  My house is sort of covered in incomplete projects, but I see an end in sight for all of them.  I have been pretty good about setting realistic expectations for myself.  Part of that has included ignoring the outside world.

On an interesting note, Travis has spent his time off diving into child-rearing books ;-)  I guess baby happened and then he realized, "oh wait, maybe I should learn a little about this squirmy thing!"  I'm glad that he is finally taking an initiative.  He did read the Attachment parenting book that I threw at him early on when I decided that we were going to be an "attached family" no matter how difficult it seemed.  And we have succeeded so far; baby-wearing, co-sleeping, exclusive breast-feeding and all the ooey gooey stuff in between.

Anyhow, his most recent read has been supporting my instincts as a Mommy which is quite great!  He even came across some info about how you can possibly prevent mental illnesses such as Bipolar with the right amount of nurture!  Imagine that!  Loving your child and holding them and caring for them can actually make their brain function at it's full capacity.  Without any mishaps- mood swings- hi's and low's.

I feel like I have been trying to do everything I can to set her up for a stable adult life.  I don't want her to have the pitfalls that I have had that are a direct result of my illness.  I want to protect her from the shame and confusion that come along with mental illness.  Even if we as a society make the efforts to educate others about these illnesses, the self-destructive shame still exists.  I have paid careful attention to brain specific nutrients and supplements, avoided chemicals thought to be toxic and neurologically damaging, and had a full on breakdown when I realized that my most recent cavity was filled with a metal rather than the ceramic that is recommended for people with mental illness.

But I am optimistic now!  I have hope that she will be "stable."  She does have one CRaZY Momma, but she may prevail nonetheless.

My heart might actually burst...

Sitting in the back seat of my car with my sleeping baby on our way back from grandmas house. The weekend was full of lots of squeals and giggles. As I look back I smile knowing that she is loved so very very much and all of these moments she will never remember, but they are the building blocks of her character and the future little adult she will grow to become.

She is so easy going. Even when I'm about to jump out of my skin in fear that something is going to upset her or wake her from a much needed nap, she prevails. I'm in awe of the little well rounded, grounded, almost mature little thing that she is. She's still very much a baby and let's us know when she's had enough, but trouble she is not. She's not unnecessarily fussy. Not cry-y. She is curious, with a giggle about to break from the corners of every smile.

It never occurs to me how well things really are going until someone points it out. Today, before leaving town, we were having lunch at an exceptionally loud restaurant. That sent me into an anxiety spiral, worrying that it was too much stimulation for her. Then as I sit playing with her my SIL boyfriend says, "it's crazy how she never really cries." And that's when it hit me! Of course she never really cries! She's attached! She has everything she needs. We listen to her. She's perfect!

I'm definitely far from perfect and have a lot of work to do so that she never gets put in a situation where she thinks that she has to "save mommy." I have read a lot of books and seen a lot of movies based around that premise exactly. I'm not trying to redefine bipolar. Just manage it. Hell! Maybe I am trying to redefine it! Show the world that we too can raise stable well rounded bambinos!

Happy V-Day!

The romanticism does not flow from my body much, if at all!  So today I will bite the bullet, push through, tough it out, peel away the layers, bring down the wall... You get the idea.  It's not that I don't enjoy the romantic stuff, I do, maybe it's the build up?  Fear of rejection?  Who knows-  I realize I'm always looking for a clinical diagnosis for all of my issues.  The best part about today will be seeing the acceptance and gratitude in my husbands face when I slough off my rough exterior and

R    E    L    A   X

Dinner and candles :-)  I hope that's not too ambitious for my overworked manic brain.  Speaking of manic- the last several days have actually been quite peaceful.  Baby had her 6 month checkup on Friday and the good Dr gave me some lovely supplements to help regulate my hormones.  I think they're working!  

Now to get my little monster to stay asleep longer than 40 minutes-

0-60

And the tears are streaming down my face...  I just finished typing an email that was a big loud wake up call-

 Subject: Regrets

Hi Bill-

I feel like I need to let you know what's going on in my life right now.  I'm sure it has been evident, but I have been struggling with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.  I have not wanted to accept this reality.  I feel like I have been letting a lot of people down lately...  But I am just not able to commit to much of anything.  It is extremely hard for me to admit that this is what has been preventing me from being an active participant on the board, as I still want to be involved.  I am terribly sorry if I have inconvenienced any of you during this time.  I am currently seeking treatment with hopes of getting better soon.  I want to try to conference in to tonight's meeting and remain abreast of everything happening.  But as far as my participation level is concerned, I may not be able to do much.  Again, I am very sorry for any inconvenience.  

My reality-  I have sent out the first email in search of a counselor that is familiar with Bipolar 2 and Postpartum.  I have been out of individual counseling for too long and the time has come for me to get back in.  I have my schedules, and lists, and I play with my baby all day every day, but it just isn't enough at this very moment where I sit right now.

THIS SUCKS

I am all over the place- 0-60  Our marriage counselor has suggested that I create a scale that I can use to monitor my moods.  One that would be a visual for Travis to read and for me to use to "check in."  The crappy thing about it though is that I am cycling my moods throughout my day right now and not so much from day to day.  I wake up great (or not so great), within an hour I am having anxiety or depression or mania, and then an hour later it has switched yet again!

I REFUSE TO LET THIS AFFECT MY DAUGHTER

So, now I move on with the rest of my day.  She will be up from her nap at any minute and needs her Momma to be present and well.

Don't Shake the Baby!

Last night was R-O-U-G-H...  I should have been more at peace.  I feel guilty for a lot of the tension and emotions I had last night, but today is a new day.  My poor poor baby-  No I did not shake the baby!  But the thought entered my mind ;-)  She did not sleep last night.  It was strange.  She was really tired and would fall asleep on me, and then as soon as I would put her down she would ZING awake!  I guess I shouldn't have given her that last shot of espresso?  As I write that my mind flashes to Baby Roane, scarf around her neck, chilling with Mommie on a patio with Espresso in hand.  Maybe I should have just held her?  Maybe I made the mistake of laying down with her?  Maybe I didn't get her down soon enough?  Where is the answer?!  Why did God give us this big book of instructions (i.e. the Bible) and leave out the How-To Manual for Activities of Daily Living with Child?  I keep rehashing the events of last night trying to figure out where I went wrong.  I don't know the answer.  But it ultimately set me up for a night full of unsettled rest.  She wasn't too cranky or whiny- just awake!  Could she be manic?!  It doesn't normally present this early.... But I am already freaking out about the possibility.

I want to hug and squeeze her today.  She deserves much better than my behavior last night.  I have to figure out a system for myself for the next time we start going down this road.  This was the first real sleepless night and I assume it won't be the last.  I read this really awesome blog post yesterday that left me feeling inspired.  But for some reason I felt totally alone last night as I laid in bed with her :-(  Of course, my husband slept through the whole thing.  All of it!

This is the part of my bipolar that really gets me down.  The ruminations.  (That was a fun word to learn.)  I can't stop thinking about last night... Wondering if she is aware that I was totally and completely done with her?  I just wanted her to sleep-  I was actually upset with her!  Frustrated.  Angry.  I was being so selfish.  She stayed happy and smiling through the majority of the night.  So why couldn't I roll with it?

Routine, routine, routine....

I was a complete EFFING mess over the weekend!  One thing I know to be a solid and important fact is that I require a pretty rigid routine, and anything other than that wreaks havoc on my mental state and the emotional welfare of those around me!

I haven't figured out how to have a weekend with my husband without going full-blown crazy.  Roane and I do really well during the week with our schedules.  Her naps are pretty consistent, she stays fairly happy, and I get shit done :-)  And then the weekend hits.  Daddy's home!!!  He wants to be supportive and helpful, but it always turns into a constant nitpicking battle of, "I'm always right, and you're always wrong!"  I don't mean to, but it happens.

I am day two into a "schedule" and it seems to be working pretty well.  I don't have that "stomach in my throat" feeling and I'm thinking I can tolerate my husband's presence a little better than usual.  After all, that is my ultimate goal.  Maybe I am so consumed with insuring that my daughter gets raised in a more loving and safe environment than I was is actually adding the stress to the relationship more than I realize.  Poor kid!  I just hope she fairs well- being raised by a crazy bipolar mother and all!

I have a huge part of me that wants to be an asset to society- but right now beginning the puzzle, that is known as my home, is my focus... Now if I can just find all of the corners and side pieces ;-)

What?!

Warning: This post is not directed toward any one person- Just a generalization... Sort of-

You need to get her on a schedule...
You need to show her who is in charge...
You need to not hold her so much...
She needs to know she is okay without you...
She needs to sleep through the night...
YOU need to STFU!

Yes I just laid down next to my strange little thing to help her fall back asleep.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING, has been normal lately.  I have started to doubt myself and the routines, or lack there of, that we have been implementing.  Just when things are going well she throws me for a loop and I start thinking I must be doing something wrong-  And all of the ^ people are right.  But then a day like today happens...  She must be going through a growth spurt or SOMETHING.  She's eating a lot and is very tired- Overtired in fact, to the point of delirium.  Those little red eyebrows tell a story.  So instead of questioning my competence as a parent, I am going to continue to listen to that little voice in the back of my lizard brain- AKA instinct ;-)  Hell, it may be my ego, but it feels so right.

And besides my biggest issue right now isn't her odd behavior-  She's happy & healthy and that is all that matters.  My biggest problem is AMMONIA in my diapers.  So as I scour the internet for the "end all" ammonia diaper treatment, and pout over a busted washing machine pump, I can't help but think this is exactly what I should be doing.  Responding to her needs and keeping her damn diapers clean!

How this will all affect my mental health?  I am not entirely sure.  I'm tired, slightly anxious, but hanging in there.

I'm Addicted

Because this is what I really want to write about...  I'm pretty sure if I were to tell a counselor, ANY counselor- financial counselor, career counselor, Madam V on the psychic hotline- about my attractions and feelings that I have for my baby they would very certainly let me know that I am an addict.  Probably in an unhealthy, 'you need to go to a methadone clinic,' kind of unhealthy.  I constantly find myself wondering how people manage having more than one kid... How people find enough love in their hearts to love ANYONE else :-)  My poor husband-

Current struggles include: balancing what I believe to be PPPD (post postpartum depression), loving my dogs, getting the laundry done (completely done), having any kind of adult conversation without thinking about my baby, I'm not even going to mention the long list with my relationship, and sleep.  Ahhhh sleep-

I've never really slept soundly without the aid of some form of natural supplement.  And now that I am EBF (exclusively breastfeeding) I can't ingest many things that I would have easily taken before.  I almost think that it's the BF'ing that has led to my addiction.  Who knows.  My baby is freaking awesome and that's all I care about!

In all seriousness though, this shit's hard!  Hopefully some day soon I will have a system in place that will make managing it all much easier.  I'm looking forward to the day where my anxiety level is reduced to anything under a 5 on a scale of 1-10.  But until then, I will 'attachment parent' the hell outta this kid!