Don't Shake the Baby!

Last night was R-O-U-G-H...  I should have been more at peace.  I feel guilty for a lot of the tension and emotions I had last night, but today is a new day.  My poor poor baby-  No I did not shake the baby!  But the thought entered my mind ;-)  She did not sleep last night.  It was strange.  She was really tired and would fall asleep on me, and then as soon as I would put her down she would ZING awake!  I guess I shouldn't have given her that last shot of espresso?  As I write that my mind flashes to Baby Roane, scarf around her neck, chilling with Mommie on a patio with Espresso in hand.  Maybe I should have just held her?  Maybe I made the mistake of laying down with her?  Maybe I didn't get her down soon enough?  Where is the answer?!  Why did God give us this big book of instructions (i.e. the Bible) and leave out the How-To Manual for Activities of Daily Living with Child?  I keep rehashing the events of last night trying to figure out where I went wrong.  I don't know the answer.  But it ultimately set me up for a night full of unsettled rest.  She wasn't too cranky or whiny- just awake!  Could she be manic?!  It doesn't normally present this early.... But I am already freaking out about the possibility.

I want to hug and squeeze her today.  She deserves much better than my behavior last night.  I have to figure out a system for myself for the next time we start going down this road.  This was the first real sleepless night and I assume it won't be the last.  I read this really awesome blog post yesterday that left me feeling inspired.  But for some reason I felt totally alone last night as I laid in bed with her :-(  Of course, my husband slept through the whole thing.  All of it!

This is the part of my bipolar that really gets me down.  The ruminations.  (That was a fun word to learn.)  I can't stop thinking about last night... Wondering if she is aware that I was totally and completely done with her?  I just wanted her to sleep-  I was actually upset with her!  Frustrated.  Angry.  I was being so selfish.  She stayed happy and smiling through the majority of the night.  So why couldn't I roll with it?