Undone....

Diapers need stuffed, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, the floors need to be swept and mopped.  The dogs are barking, the baby might wake up soon...  But I decided I need to sit here and take a moment to reflect on how freaking lucky I am.

I will be 30 this week.  The big 3-0.  I have lived many places.  I have seen far too many things.  I have said many more things that I wish I could have erased.  But I have lived.  I am healthy.  My baby is healthy.  I struggle.  I never know what each day will bring.  If I will be able to muster the energy to make it from my morning cup of coffee to the last bite of my dinner in the evening.

I love my life.  Sometimes I find myself green with envy of friends and colleagues.  But then I look in the mirror and I can proudly say that I am HAPPY and I LOVE who I am.  Even though I have made many sacrifices over the last year, I have never gone without anything that I have needed.  I have just learned that I need a lot less than what I used to have.

I miss my sisters.  My mood is -----  Not really high, not low, just ----  I miss my sister.

Fingerprints...

The first week of every month (give or take a few days) is window and mirror cleaning week.  Today after shining our over-sized mirror in the living room I took a step back to admire my work and felt a sudden pang of sadness.

I read something earlier today about holding your child's hand as long as possible, or as much as possible, so that they know you're there for them.  I got teary eyed as the author described perfectly the sensations that you feel with that first finger squeeze.  And how as your baby grows their little hands become more under their control, and less instinctual reflexes.  So I made a point to notice how often we hold hands today.  I am happy to say that we touch a lot.  A perk of attachment parenting.

Where am I going with all of this....  Well this past week has been full of emotions for my little family.  My husband and I have had to make a lot of very difficult decisions and I have shed many tears.  I am sure I still have many more to shed too-  In addition to all of the chaos we have been experiencing Baby has continued to grow and develop and learn.  She hit some milestones this week that offered brief escapes for me from my personal dramas.  They were almost right on cue too-  I would be dealing with something exceptionally tough and then BAM- "Holy cow look at what she can do!"

So as I hold on to the normalcy's of our organized life I paused while cleaning.  I realized that I get to see all of those little growing fingerprints all month long, and then at the start of the next month the slate is wiped clean.  A fresh palate for her to manipulate however she chooses.  That mirror has held her hand-prints from birth- If only I hadn't wiped them all away.

Today my mood is a little low.  Still trucking, just partly cloudy.

People are Strange...

When you're a stranger... Ahhhh The Doors are stuck in my head right now-

Life has definitely been throwing me a few fast pitches over the last couple of days.  I don't like the idea of curve balls  because I think you can still pretty well see those coming!  My poor baby sister is basically being held hostage as part of an all out family feud.

With the help of some very patient and kind counselors, and DSM-GOOGLE, I have realized that the majority of the personal ticks and issues that I have are a direct result of being raised by a Narcissistic Mother.  And all this time I just assumed she was BiPolar like the rest of us, but it turns out she is not... She has said she has been tested and wasn't, which never made much sense to any of us that were close enough to see her patterns of behavior, until NOW!

Cue: Lightbulb!

My husband, sister, and father have all had this huge Ah-Hah! moment.  So now to add that to my long list of: Please Let Me Avoid These Things While Raising My Daugher-

Top of the list- Check yourself.  Are you a narcissist?  Are you providing R with stability?  Are you well?

I ask my self an entire plethora of self-check questions every day. Part of my daily mood charting routine (which I am not doing religiously) and check in.  My husband has noticed the difference.  I have noticed the difference.  Until this weekend I have been regulated.  My mood has not fluctuated much at all.  I always find myself searching my baby's eyes for signs of me being off... I peer in looking for a sign that she thinks I'm RIDICULOUS.  Luckily she just gives me the same "I love you, you're my mommy" eyes every day all day!

So as part of my therapy I delve into Stability Training.  Interestingly enough, one of the bloggers I occasionally read wrote about stability today!  It is important for children to know what to expect.  It gives them security.  I never had that as a child and I vow to always provide it for my daughter.  Except in those rare instances when I feel like we need to load up the family and Road-trip-It to somewhere bizarre- Like the magical tree-houses that I keep hearing about here in Oregon.  I can't wait until she's old enough to partake in my whimsical moments :-)  Daddy just might get a phone call from Canada!

Today I am well.  I miss my sisters, both of them!  I have resumed my household chores and I am well.  I am well.  Living with a diagnosis of BiPolar you immediately think of yourself as something other than well, but YOU ARE WELL.

Thank you T for reminding me of that!  I <3 you